HORRID DAYS

What a truly horrid week .. leaking propane, lay off one of the two best people at the office cause they aren't full time...a death in the other worker's family.. Had to spend $750 on repairs to the pick-up after it won't start in the grocery store parking lot.. and the flipping animal control is snooping after my pups. By Thursday it was so bad I stopped at Rite Aid and got a six pack, a pint of Hagen Daz, a jar of chocolate syrup, and a box of Excedrin PM.

Oh, and speaking of the truck not starting in a public lot, I realized that had Gary walked out of that store and seen someone - anyone - man, woman, child, etc, having that kind of trouble, he would have stopped, helped or tried to, and stayed with that person till someone came who could help. I guess you can figure .. that did not happen. I watched as person after person walked right on by and wouldn't even look. Shoot, I even made a call for an elderly lady waiting for a ride as I waited for a tow. Gary was so right about everything. This world and many of the people living in it leave a lot to be desired.

The bad piece of that is that I have a lot of doubt that anyone could EVER live up to the standard he set. That is sad on so many levels I can't count. But most of all, how could I ever be with anyone that didn't meet that standard - and I can't think of anyone I've ever met (save my dad of course - and he's gone too), who could meet that standard. If I was 75 or 80 that may not be too bad. But I'm in my 50's, and I"m finding out I don't do alone real well.

I start things then in the middle can't remember why or what I'm doing - or sometimes don't even start. I keep waiting to wake up - but I don't.

I went by to clean up the grave site the other day and FINALLY remembered where Gary's mother and brother were buried. Cleaned those two up while I was there. The edging they do on these sites is atrocious. I hope none of the family is offended that I cleaned them up a bit. Its just one of the little quirks Southern, Cajun, French, Catholic women seem to have.

I need to clean the garage and probably need to sell some things before time takes its toll on them. My daughter says to put them on Craig's List. Thought about it, but that would mean some stranger would end up knowing I'm up here on this ranch without next-door neighbors and a law enforcement that takes 40 minutes to respond. I'm not really scared.. .I have dogs, and an alarm.. but frankly don't really want to have to shoot anyone.

I've been trying to figure out what to really do with this blog, besides whine of course. I kind of thought of possibly using it to put together some "Recipe's for One". I've looked and looked.. found cookbooks that are "recipes for a crowd" .. "recipes for two" "Recipes for breakfast" "Recipes for the Ladies Club"..."Recipes for family nights".. etc etc. I find myself either eating the same old stuff .. quickie, DEFINITELY not healthy food, or picking up fast food. I'm not the MOST adventurous eater. By the time I get home from work, feed the horse and dogs, get inside, go through the mail, water some plants - it could be 9 o'clock. So, I need to look around and see what I can find.. and I'll post it. Maybe it will make me feel useful.

Maybe it will help me feel less like an empty shell.

Two Aniversary's in One

Today..
Eight years since I found exactly the person I needed to spend the rest of my life with. Four months since that life was trashed on the side of Bandarilla Dr amongst boulders, smashed Harley parts.

I still haven't figured out yet how to be "alone". God Bless my friends, I appreciate their efforts. It doesn't fill what is empty. It only fills time - ticks of the clock, sweeps of the second hand.

Minutes that count time further from what life was all about and further into a life without a focus.

How easy it would be to just hide away in a corner - become something of a recluse.

Wow.. quite the pity party isn't it?

So, Happy Anniversary my love. I miss you and love you.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Monday, May 04, 2009

Hello my love..

Wow.. can’t type tonight. 1^st.. I L O V E Y O U … and I miss you sooo much. This is so hard.. I know exactly what Yazzi was saying.. I say it daily… please please wake me UP.. I don’t like this dream…

In fact I HATE THIS DREAM… I don’t understand it.. I’m numb.. in mind, emotion, even physically .. I’m numb..

Mom say’s you’re ok.. that she talked to her priest and he said .. if Blaine can SEE you.. you must be in a good place.. that she wouldn’t be able to see you otherwise.. .. that’s the part that worries me .. that drives me insane.. that makes my heart physically HURT.. not knowing … but, she’s probably right.. and that you ARE in Heaven.. or making your way there.

I’m really trying to do everything RIGHT.. but its so hard when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and hide from everything and everyone. I just want to look over and see you sleeping on the couch.. or hear the p hone ring and know its you. I never really realized how HAPPY it made me to hear that ring and KNOW you were calling..

Now, it’s everything I can do just to pick up the phone.

I’m so trying to do good, to be good so that I can complete the promises I made at the service.. because if I thought for even a NANO second, that I wouldn’t see you ever again.. I would go insane.. I wouldn’t care about ANYTHING… but it’s all about you and Our Lord and Savior.

I got into this “flame-out” with some smart-aleck Athiest who commented on a letter about atheism in the bee. I don’t understand why they seem so ANGRY. I could understand defensive, but ANGER? Who are they angry with? Can’t be God.. they don’t’ believe.. I feel very sorry for them.. to think that after death, there is nothing… how can they say that? Has nothing ever happened around them that is a sign? I knew your spirit was here at home .. I could feel it, almost touch it.. and Blaine did SEE.. maybe even touch.

That’s so hard.. not being able to touch.. not being able to feel you beside me in bed.. or hear you sleeping.. feel you kiss.. your touch.. I’ll wait forever to feel that again.

My brain capacity and ability seems to have been sorely reduced.. I can’t remember stuff from minute to minute.. I start to say something and forget mid way through..

Baby.. please know.. if you know nothing else.. you are and always will be my LIFE.. when I read that e-mail from some woman who had sex with some young guy.. her 1^st since her husband passed.. I think I wanted to puke.. how disrespectful… how unloving..

I sure hope everything is GOOD.. I wish you could let me know.. and know that dad is there and is ok..

I LOVE YOU.. forever .. for eternity…

Doubts and Answered Prayers

I guess it came on gradually, doubting, wondering, and sinking further into doubt and hurt. Praying for forgiveness for anything done. Asking for some sign, some assurance that what was could still be. Was Gary's spirit still with me? Once a good, loving, honest person is gone, is the love that now surrounds them so fulfilling that what was earthly is no longer necessary or even remembered.

That emptiness had become so complete - the loneliness so total - that my doubts overwhelmed me.

Then today, I received a bill that I'd totally forgotten about. It wasn't so much that I couldn't pay it, but enough to make me sit up and take notice. Enough to give me pause. Enough that I thought needed to check my accounts.

Logged onto my bank, opened my account -
and found a deposit from Gary's retirement - my first payment from them - for almost the exact amount of the bill. It didn't even dawn on me at first - but after an hour or so it hit me so I went back to check. Sure enough, there it was. Just a few bucks short of the exact amount. That's no Karma folks... that's real, that's substantial. Want proof .. there it was in black and white staring at me from my screen - like getting wacked up side my head by a baseball bat, swung by Barry Bonds.. on steroids.

But it didn't stop there.

TV was on - to one of my guilty pleasures... America's Got Talent. Someone on the show, can't remember if it was a Judge or the host, mentioned something about some chicken farmer type person who had given an amazing performance in a previous show. I remembered that these performances usually get posted to U-tube, so thought I'd check it out.

And that was the cherry on top folks.. and whatever doubts I had were swept away and now the tears weren't about the doubts and the emptiness. Instead it was about knowing - that they are still with us in spirit and we are still important to them. Of all the songs - all the lyrics in the world, this is what I needed, the words I needed to hear.
And in case you missed the original act ... here it is... (not sure it directly links by click so you may have to cut and paste the link. Have patience through the beginning. It's worth it).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lzul5rxd-i8

UN-Grounded

I'm no longer grounded. There isn't anything to hold me in-check. I've got to find a way to "control" the things I do.

I'm an educated, fairly intelligent, otherwise responsible adult. Yet, I find myself drinking too much, hanging at the Saloon too much, spending too much, not eating, going off on the dogs.. and there isn't anyone to stop me.

I'd like to get angry enough to take every glass item I own outside and smash them against the concrete. I don't really know why I don't, except that the anger just leads to more hurt and pain, so I avoid anger. I also avoid too much laughter.

Yes, maintaining the wall around everything is about all I can control.

4th of July

Happy 4th!

Today I'm cleaning my kitchen. Sounds great doesn't it? Well, this is what I do because the normal 4th doesn't exist anymore.

I close my eyes and imagine getting steaks ready for the grill, or putting together stuff for a day at the lake, or putting on our leathers for a nice long ride.

So, instead I reorganize. And this afternoon (really late after the heat has disapated) I'll open that bottle of Sangiovese.

The end.. the beginning?

Of all the titles I could have had during my 50 years of life, Widow was not one I ever expected and certainly not before I was 65 years old.

I've known women in their later years, and I"m not saying it was easier, but there is a certain quietness about their widowhood. No less grief, but somewhat less angst.

Women in their 20s and 30s.. how unfair, but in some ways, how fair! So much time left. So much of life left. Usually, so much NOISE - kids running around, the sounds of family still around.

Here, in the mid to late 50's, how different we are. Starting a new "family" ??? Not a chance. I have mine.. and I have Gary's - at least a couple of them.
Ready for my rocking chair? Not a chance. But then again, the thought of anyone but Gary within 5 ft of me gives me the hives.

So, where, what, and WHY? That's the one I can maybe answer. Because I HAVE NEVER BEEN ALONE. I left my mother's house to get married. Divorced and lived with my girls, then went from there to my life with Gary. My "alone" life consisted of my 1st husband working off-shore for days and sometimes weeks at a time.

But Gary was always around.. well except for those two business trips. And Frankly I flipped out when he was gone. I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be with anyone BUT Gary.

The girls at the Saloon tonight laughed when some patron bought me a drink. They walked over to where I was sitting and said.. "hehe.. he wanted to buy you a chaser .. but we told him he could probably save the cash .. it wasn't getting him ANYTHING"... I'm glad they know and understand. I only wish I did.