The end.. the beginning?

Of all the titles I could have had during my 50 years of life, Widow was not one I ever expected and certainly not before I was 65 years old.

I've known women in their later years, and I"m not saying it was easier, but there is a certain quietness about their widowhood. No less grief, but somewhat less angst.

Women in their 20s and 30s.. how unfair, but in some ways, how fair! So much time left. So much of life left. Usually, so much NOISE - kids running around, the sounds of family still around.

Here, in the mid to late 50's, how different we are. Starting a new "family" ??? Not a chance. I have mine.. and I have Gary's - at least a couple of them.
Ready for my rocking chair? Not a chance. But then again, the thought of anyone but Gary within 5 ft of me gives me the hives.

So, where, what, and WHY? That's the one I can maybe answer. Because I HAVE NEVER BEEN ALONE. I left my mother's house to get married. Divorced and lived with my girls, then went from there to my life with Gary. My "alone" life consisted of my 1st husband working off-shore for days and sometimes weeks at a time.

But Gary was always around.. well except for those two business trips. And Frankly I flipped out when he was gone. I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be with anyone BUT Gary.

The girls at the Saloon tonight laughed when some patron bought me a drink. They walked over to where I was sitting and said.. "hehe.. he wanted to buy you a chaser .. but we told him he could probably save the cash .. it wasn't getting him ANYTHING"... I'm glad they know and understand. I only wish I did.