Monday, May 4, 2009

Monday, May 04, 2009

Hello my love..

Wow.. can’t type tonight. 1^st.. I L O V E Y O U … and I miss you sooo much. This is so hard.. I know exactly what Yazzi was saying.. I say it daily… please please wake me UP.. I don’t like this dream…

In fact I HATE THIS DREAM… I don’t understand it.. I’m numb.. in mind, emotion, even physically .. I’m numb..

Mom say’s you’re ok.. that she talked to her priest and he said .. if Blaine can SEE you.. you must be in a good place.. that she wouldn’t be able to see you otherwise.. .. that’s the part that worries me .. that drives me insane.. that makes my heart physically HURT.. not knowing … but, she’s probably right.. and that you ARE in Heaven.. or making your way there.

I’m really trying to do everything RIGHT.. but its so hard when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and hide from everything and everyone. I just want to look over and see you sleeping on the couch.. or hear the p hone ring and know its you. I never really realized how HAPPY it made me to hear that ring and KNOW you were calling..

Now, it’s everything I can do just to pick up the phone.

I’m so trying to do good, to be good so that I can complete the promises I made at the service.. because if I thought for even a NANO second, that I wouldn’t see you ever again.. I would go insane.. I wouldn’t care about ANYTHING… but it’s all about you and Our Lord and Savior.

I got into this “flame-out” with some smart-aleck Athiest who commented on a letter about atheism in the bee. I don’t understand why they seem so ANGRY. I could understand defensive, but ANGER? Who are they angry with? Can’t be God.. they don’t’ believe.. I feel very sorry for them.. to think that after death, there is nothing… how can they say that? Has nothing ever happened around them that is a sign? I knew your spirit was here at home .. I could feel it, almost touch it.. and Blaine did SEE.. maybe even touch.

That’s so hard.. not being able to touch.. not being able to feel you beside me in bed.. or hear you sleeping.. feel you kiss.. your touch.. I’ll wait forever to feel that again.

My brain capacity and ability seems to have been sorely reduced.. I can’t remember stuff from minute to minute.. I start to say something and forget mid way through..

Baby.. please know.. if you know nothing else.. you are and always will be my LIFE.. when I read that e-mail from some woman who had sex with some young guy.. her 1^st since her husband passed.. I think I wanted to puke.. how disrespectful… how unloving..

I sure hope everything is GOOD.. I wish you could let me know.. and know that dad is there and is ok..

I LOVE YOU.. forever .. for eternity…